Welcome to Kessler’s Kolumns
Nick writes a monthly “Kolumn” and we thought it might be nice to have his collection in one place. We’re sure he would prefer you sip coffee from your favorite mug as you read his collection of thoughts. Enjoy your coffee and the read.
I Guess It’s Guesswork (January 2007)
I’ve been trying to figure out the mental health system for years and my best advice is: don’t. I think many of our “providers” don’t even know what the heck they’re doing, although they’re very good at hiding these moments. However, I think we can all see that the mental health system is a “shambling mound” ready to fall apart at any time. Just as importantly, if there are reasons that our providers could give us why it isn’t their fault, I am brave enough to assume they would.
The reality is that funding for mental health is cut on such a continual basis that it stresses everybody out, not just the clients. Maybe this is why I don’t take the system very seriously anymore. Maybe that’s why I don’t take my meds very seriously. But I digress—allow me to back up a little bit.
I follow the system, and I take my meds, otherwise I wouldn’t be able to write this. I just don’t act surprised when a group is canceled, or when my meds don’t work, or when six people in a row don’t understand me. To a certain extent it’s the nature of life these days, at least from my viewpoint. It’s not going to change anytime soon, if it ever does. I know this may sound like a depressing rant. Maybe it is. Or maybe I’m guessing right. You let me know.
What is a Crisis to You? (February 2007)
As consumers in particular we are not strangers to the term “crisis.” Up until roughly a year ago, the Hospital Alternative Service at Columbia River Mental Health had been in service for over a decade, with ADAPT in existence at least as long (and, to our good fortune, it still remains). These two programs are geared for people in crisis, and we have a 24-hour crisis line with Crisis Plans as a required must by our case managers.
But how do we know when we are in a crisis? Perhaps more importantly, how do we avoid relying on crisis services altogether? I admit that I have relied on crisis services many times in the past, but the significant memory/grain of wisdom I gained from these experiences is that they really don’t work in the long run at all. Quite often, they make us feel like freaks.
The way I see it is that avoiding a crisis is like trying to forget a nightmare, on many different levels. The level in question depends, in essence, upon how apprehensive we are in a given situation. Quite often the more we calm ourselves down, the more strategies we find along the way to calm ourselves down; just like the more we focus on how horrible a situation is, the worse it gets.
This, of course, does not apply to everything, but once you’ve gotten the basics of your life down (taking care of yourself physically/mentally, housing, and meds, for instance) it can be very functional. It’s the focus that comes later that determines our situation. I believe this is why “Wise Mind” is taught to us in DBT classes. If we manage to calm ourselves down, we discover that the world keeps spinning, regardless of our intentions. That’s what a crisis is to me.
Prove Yourself Wrong (March 2007)
It seems that we as consumers are given a life of suffering. We are told to go to groups and appointments, and we are punished if we do not make every one. Our limited incomes make us feel like slime, especially when people say we don’t deserve them. When the appointments are made (and the money is spent wisely), we still don’t get much substantial reward for our efforts.
I think I’m but one of many that disagrees with the above propaganda. Not only do we need to prove society and the providers wrong, but we also need to prove ourselves wrong. We are much, much more than small, endlessly circling entities. There are so many ways we can make this point clear to ourselves and to others. All we have to do is try. If you think you’ve reached the point where you’re not bossed around by others because of your mental illness, you can stop reading. I certainly don’t want to boss other people around. I’m an idealist, not a narcissist.
Anyway, what can you do? Lots of things (as I was hinting at earlier). You can volunteer at CVAB. You can apply for Financial Aid at Clark College. You can get a part-time job, or a volunteer job outside of CVAB. Most of all, you can exercise your ability to build positive experiences. It’s possible. As a matter of fact, it’s very, very, possible.
So go out there, and prove yourself wrong!
Untitled (April 2007)
What’s on your mind? It’s a question we don’t seem to ask each other of enough. What are we really thinking about? What are we really aware of?
Of course, we all have thoughts that permeate our minds throughout the day. Most of us think about sex or some kind of medicating every day. But those are human needs and vices, respectively, and not actual thoughts. When it comes down to it, I think we could all be a lot more aware of what we’re thinking about, and how it does or doesn’t apply to our current situation in life.
CVAB is a perfect place to do this. It is more than just a place to “chill out” when we don’t have anything to do, although it works for that purpose. I think the amount of interaction, ideas, and place for locating our sometimes-lost identities can also be found here, given that enough effort is put into this operation. CVAB is on a real lucky streak right now—we’re receiving a lot of funding, we have a nice building, and we have a good internal “system” of groups and meetings taking place.
But we need more, and I think everyone who has visited CVAB knows this. The newsletter could be bigger, the groups could have a wider diversity of people. We could really outdo ourselves here. A lot of this was stated in last month’s Voice. Perhaps this is just a more casual way of asking of you to subscribe to what has been given to us. Consider it.
Culture within a Culture: Hippies or Druggies (May 2007)
It’s a fact: a lot of people in the Mental Health System suffer from drug addiction as well. Although I’m a novice when it comes to this subject, I have gotten drunk on occasion, and I have gotten high on occasion. Nothing that would get me into an AA or NA meeting. For at least the first ten years of my illness, the only drug I took that was not prescription was caffeine; I didn’t smoke cigarettes, and I graduated from High School clean and happy. I attended what you would call “hippie” concerts during my teenage years—bands such as Medeski, Martin and Wood and Phish. I was disgusted by the amount of marijuana usage at places where the point was to enjoy the music. Yet I could identify with the concert-goers in a more spiritual way, and this was how I made a lot of my friends—through music.
It’s common knowledge that we imitate the people we hang out with, but I never got high until I played Dungeons and Dragons with some people whose names I will withhold, not only to avoid antagonism but also because it is far beside the point who they were. But to say just one thing—they were not stupid people. They were brilliant, contrary to what is said of people who smoke pot.
I think the lesson I learned from that joint being passed into my hands and the fact I refused it after a very brief trial period was that drugs do not make you who you are. A lot, and I mean a LOT of people have misconceptions on what drugs can do to you. If a person wants to dress like a hippie and you see a pot-smoker, chances are you don’t have a very open mind at all. If you see your doctor and assume they never get toasted out on the town, again, you’re probably wrong to a certain extent, depending on who it is. I think a lot of people don’t think outside the box when it comes to lifestyles. (If she dresses like this, she MUST be like this, and this MUST be what she does in her spare time). Minds are like parachutes; they only work when they are open!
Untitled (June 2007)
As I write this, May 9th, it is Mental Health Awareness Month. This is the month of the NAMI Walk. The nice, summer weather invites happiness and excitement for the months to come. I think it is a good idea for us to have our “recovery wall” and share our stories about how we have conquered, or more appropriately, learned to cope with our mental illnesses (no caps please). It’s time for me to share as well.
But I’m not going to tell you about the hardships I’ve been through to get here, the number of times I’ve went to the hospital, been suicidal, etc. I think that’s missing the point. Rather, I am going to tell you about what it feels like to be a Mental Health consumer, and what I’ve learned.
Bad days happen to everyone, often at inconvenient times. In fact, I don’t think I can once recall the time that I was glad I had a bad day! But that doesn’t mean we have to feed off them. It doesn’t mean everyone we come into contact with in the “Mental Health System” is right or wrong. It just means we’re having a bad day and we need to let it go. For some people, this might sound like I’m asking an awful lot.
You’re right. I am.
It’s especially hard to “let things go” when your meds aren’t working right, when you’re hanging out with the wrong group of friends, when you’re too depressed or apathetic or stricken to make it to appointments and there’s no one there to walk you out and wait at the bus stop, plug your ears at DSHS to hide from the crying of babies, or just plain take care of you once in a while. And once one horror is over, another begins. And so on and so forth.
Why? I think it’s due to mental illness, yes, but I think it’s also due to what you’re telling yourself. What kind of person am I? You ask yourself. If the answer is “Loser”, or “Nut-case”, or “Druggie”, you’re not going to feel too good about yourself, now are you? Or, to dig even deeper, if you were to say that “I’m a loser because I’m overweight” or “I suck at Math”…I mean, come on, people! You’re going to have a bad day thinking like that no matter what happens. I believe that everything we ever truly need to know can be found within our own selves. I’m not saying we have to look there to find it. In fact, I don’t recommend it. But it’s true. Meeting others helps us survive and fulfills our needs of relationships and belonging…But who do we turn to at the end of the day? Who do we really trust?
In my opinion, it should be ourselves. I feel that we know who we are if we try hard enough. And if we know who we are, we know how we should proceed.
Those ‘90s: How about ‘em? (July 2007)
Some people claim I was delirious at the time, but I actually enjoyed the 1990s. Media was tamer, people weren’t so serious, there weren’t nearly as many gas-hogging SUVs on the road, people got along better (or so it seemed); oh, and there was no war going on. Movies stayed in the theaters longer than a month—and they were actually worth seeing! People were less concerned with self-image and status and more content with enjoying themselves.
It’s really amazing how much can change in 10 years, and the previous paragraph only touches the tip of the iceberg. The people in the United States are more divided than they have been in a long, long, time. Before it seemed that people belonged in social circles a lot more easily; now it seems that everyone has to isolate and have their own opinion, to a certain extent. With this kind of mentality, I’m surprised we haven’t encountered total anarchy yet. I hope people are considering this fact, especially when they do destructive things to other people.
You might think I’m talking about the war. I’m not. I’m talking about rude, angst-ridden, spiteful behavior that we all run into every day given only a moment’s notice. No, it’s definitely not about the war, although that might be what’s driving the opinions of a lot of people. The war is essentially something that is out of our control—instead it is in the control of power-mongers and psychopaths, and I think we all know that at this point we pretty much have to wait until it’s over. After coming to all these conclusions about the first decade of the 21st century, I can’t help but wonder why people would want to pick on as benign a decade as the 1990s.
Humph.
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